In addition to the fine comments left here on the site, some people have been kind enough to use the telephone to provide feedback. Somehow it just doesn’t seem right to use an antiquated instrument like a telephone to respond to a newfangled webpage, almost like using a live chicken to pay for your Nintendo Wii. One comment I have heard is that I am not making them laugh enough, like in ‘real life’. “We only hang out with you because your pants may fall down at any moment, or you may suggestively ask the deli guy for some tongue” I imagine them saying. So for those telephone commentators, here is a post devoted to a small number of those comedians I adore.
Everybody has different tastes in comedy, other wise how do you explain Mencia and Tim Allen? Let’s run through some of the comedians that I have been listening to recently. Warning, do not see, read, or hear these comedians if you get offended by anything at all ever.
Doug Stanhope: This quintessential libertarian comic has been described as the most enthusiastic nihilist. He is also offensive to most and as funny as Dick Cheney shooting his friends in the face. He is direct and honest in a way that makes it seem like all this bland TV and Movies were just a set-up to his act. I accidentally stumbled across this guy on Showtime, and I am now addicted.
“If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”
“You never hear in the news, “200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North.”
“If size doesn’t matter, how come my girlfriend’s vibrator isn’t three inches and crooked?”
Emo Phillips: A personal favorite of mine, Emo is the expert of comedic timing of a short joke.
“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, “If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.”
“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…”
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’
Bobcat Goldthwait: Underrated because of his work in the Police Academy movies.
“America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.”
“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”
“I lost my job. No, I didn’t really lose my job. I know where my job is. It’s just, when I go there, there’s this new guy doing it.”
Mitch Hedberg: Unfortunately died young, because he had great talent. Like the rest of these people, his delivery enhances the comedy.
Quotes, and there are many:
“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
“This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.”
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufrenes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.”
There are many more, but that’s enough for now. On a more interactive nature, I saw a blog that started an ‘I like my men/women like I like my (noun) thread. How it works is the first post creates a joke based on that joke style and also adds a new noun, and it is up to the next poster to create a new joke using the new noun, and then create a noun for the next person, and so on. So for example, and to start:
I like my women like I like my coffee, – mail ordered from Ethiopia. Next word, vitamins.
So the next post: I like my men like I like my vitamins, – shaped like Dino. Next word, Oatmeal.
Got it? Alright. Go with Oatmeal, next poster.