August 21, 2007


Filed under: humor — Tags: , , , , , , — skeptisys @ 3:38 pm

In addition to the fine comments left here on the site, some people have been kind enough to use the telephone to provide feedback. Somehow it just doesn’t seem right to use an antiquated instrument like a telephone to respond to a newfangled webpage, almost like using a live chicken to pay for your Nintendo Wii. One comment I have heard is that I am not making them laugh enough, like in ‘real life’. “We only hang out with you because your pants may fall down at any moment, or you may suggestively ask the deli guy for some tongue” I imagine them saying. So for those telephone commentators, here is a post devoted to a small number of those comedians I adore.

Everybody has different tastes in comedy, other wise how do you explain Mencia and Tim Allen? Let’s run through some of the comedians that I have been listening to recently. Warning, do not see, read, or hear these comedians if you get offended by anything at all ever.

Doug Stanhope: This quintessential libertarian comic has been described as the most enthusiastic nihilist. He is also offensive to most and as funny as Dick Cheney shooting his friends in the face. He is direct and honest in a way that makes it seem like all this bland TV and Movies were just a set-up to his act. I accidentally stumbled across this guy on Showtime, and I am now addicted.

Some quotes:

“If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”

“You never hear in the news, “200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North.”

“If size doesn’t matter, how come my girlfriend’s vibrator isn’t three inches and crooked?”

Emo Phillips: A personal favorite of mine, Emo is the expert of comedic timing of a short joke.


“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, “If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…”

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’

Bobcat Goldthwait: Underrated because of his work in the Police Academy movies.


“America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.”

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”

“I lost my job. No, I didn’t really lose my job. I know where my job is. It’s just, when I go there, there’s this new guy doing it.”

Mitch Hedberg: Unfortunately died young, because he had great talent. Like the rest of these people, his delivery enhances the comedy.

Quotes, and there are many:

“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

“This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.”

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufrenes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.”

There are many more, but that’s enough for now. On a more interactive nature, I saw a blog that started an ‘I like my men/women like I like my (noun) thread. How it works is the first post creates a joke based on that joke style and also adds a new noun, and it is up to the next poster to create a new joke using the new noun, and then create a noun for the next person, and so on. So for example, and to start:

I like my women like I like my coffee, – mail ordered from Ethiopia. Next word, vitamins.

So the next post: I like my men like I like my vitamins, – shaped like Dino. Next word, Oatmeal.

Got it? Alright. Go with Oatmeal, next poster.


  1. I like my women like I like my oatmeal, lumpy!

    french fries

    Comment by Ken Beer — August 21, 2007 @ 3:54 pm

  2. We should do it like the 12 days of Christmas by repeating the old ones and adding one:

    coffee: Grande!
    vitamins: easy to swallow
    oatmeal: at grandma’s house
    french fries: at McDonald’s with a red box

    Comment by Ken Beer — August 21, 2007 @ 4:00 pm

  3. Sounds good, Ken. So either leave a post with all the items, or just the last one. And do not forget to add a noun.
    I like my women like I like my:
    coffee: black, I like to add my own cream
    vitamins: once a day
    oatmeal: instant so I can have it in minutes
    french fries: thin and salty

    next noun: hair.

    Comment by skeptisys — August 21, 2007 @ 4:34 pm

  4. I like my men like I like my hair, wrapped tight in a bandana just waiting for me to set them free.

    phonograph records

    Comment by Vicky Bullettes — August 21, 2007 @ 4:46 pm

  5. This is fun!

    I like my women like I like my phonograph records, rotating on a table & making beautiful sounds.

    cell phone

    Comment by Marty Bystrom — August 21, 2007 @ 4:47 pm

  6. I like my women like I like my…

    coffee: burning my tongue
    vitamins: for improving my prostate health
    oatmeal: in the cafeteria
    french fries: two at a time
    hair (men): cut
    phonograph records: black and round with a little hole
    cell phone: a new one every two years


    Comment by kbeer — August 21, 2007 @ 5:11 pm

  7. I like my women like I like my couch, on the floor next to the table with a good view of the game on TV.


    Comment by Joe Offerman — August 21, 2007 @ 6:29 pm

  8. Funny stuff. Ok:
    I like my women like I like my…

    coffee: picked up at the supermarket
    vitamins: so I don’t get cold
    oatmeal: sold to me by a quaker man
    french fries: dark and oily
    hair (men): a little off the top
    phonograph records: spinning against my needle
    cell phone: one in each color to match whatever i am wearing
    couch: in front of the TV

    Cat is next.

    Comment by skeptisys — August 21, 2007 @ 6:31 pm

  9. now we got cat and bagel. K.
    I like my women like I like my:
    cat: with pictures of cute ones in odd poses posted online.
    bagel: toasted

    next: jelly beans

    Comment by skeptisys — August 21, 2007 @ 6:52 pm

  10. coffee: at the end of a long line
    vitamins: when I’m done I throw the bottle away
    oatmeal: sweet and thick
    french fries: baked
    hair: covering my ears
    phonograph records: they get wobbly if you get them too hot
    cell phone: able to be folded in half
    couch: covered in vinyl
    bagel: warm, split in half, and Jewish
    cat: Siamese!
    jelly beans: ***racist joke about “black ones” deleted***

    next: computer

    Comment by Jute Lincoln — August 21, 2007 @ 7:49 pm

  11. I like MY man like I like my computer…pimpin’ all the latest gadgets and turned on all the time.

    Next, rosin bag

    Comment by Wilma Rudolph — August 22, 2007 @ 1:49 am

  12. I like my rosin bag like I like my women, right next to my 18 inch rubber.
    Baseball humor, ar ar.
    Next noun: steak

    Comment by skeptisys — August 22, 2007 @ 2:36 pm

  13. I like my women like I like my rosin bag – searched on the internet to figure out what it looks like.

    Comment by Jute Lincoln — August 22, 2007 @ 2:37 pm

  14. coffee: with whipped cream on it
    vitamins: one a day
    oatmeal: tepid and gray
    french fries: on the counter of a diner
    hair: circling the drain
    phonograph records: 78
    cell phone: strong reception with a lot of bars
    couch: stubby legs and a lot of fabric
    bagel: stale
    cat: dressed in crotchless panties
    jelly beans: so many that it makes me want to throw up
    computer: wired
    rosin bag: smacked with my hand
    steak: with a tossed salad

    Comment by Jute Lincoln — August 27, 2007 @ 2:14 am

  15. forgot the next one:


    Comment by Jute Lincoln — August 27, 2007 @ 11:15 am

  16. I like my women or men like I like my:
    coffee: roasted in the open sun
    vitamins: shot into my ass
    oatmeal: already prepared when I awake
    french fries: wearing a McDonald’s outfit
    hair: making me gag in the back of my throat
    phonograph records: forgotten about after their time has passed
    cell phone: with volume control. oh snap!
    couch: with leather
    bagel: sold by the dozen
    cat: fixed so they can’t reproduce
    jelly beans: a handful at a time
    computer: having been handled only by nerds
    rosin bag: held tightly after giving up a long one
    steak: shared with my friends on football sunday
    lunch: once a day, at my desk

    next – poker chip

    Comment by skeptisys — August 27, 2007 @ 2:33 pm

  17. I like ’em like I like my:

    coffee: brought down from a mountain on a donkey’s back
    vitamins: in my food
    oatmeal: in hot water
    french fries: high in fat
    hair: straight
    phonograph records: two plays for a quarter in a NJ diner
    cell phone: muted
    couch: with lots of loose change in the cracks
    bagel: Jewish in origin, but made by mexicans
    cat: doesn’t mind when I call her ‘pussy’
    jelly beans: on Ronald Reagan’s desk
    computer: under my desk
    rosin bag: suggested by a sports-nut
    steak: with a bone in it
    lunch: cheap
    poker chip: stacked

    next: newspaper

    Comment by Jute Lincoln — September 14, 2007 @ 12:42 pm

  18. I like my women or men like I like my:
    coffee: with a sweet vanilla taste
    vitamins: available more cheaply online
    oatmeal: lathered with butter
    french fries: thin and extra dark
    hair: thin and extra dark
    phonograph records: slipping out of a AC/DC jacket
    cell phone: with a 1 year opt-out plan
    couch: up against my wall
    bagel: with multiple spreads
    cat: licking clean
    jelly beans: factory made
    computer: quick access
    rosin bag: laying next to my mound
    steak: comes with carrots
    lunch: eat out once a week
    poker chip: swapped back and forth during a friendly game among friends
    newspaper: found laying in the driveway early in the morning (lisa lohan anyone?)

    next – Jesus Christ

    Comment by skeptisys — September 20, 2007 @ 10:30 am

  19. I like my women or men like I like my:

    coffee: Large
    vitamins: kept out of reach of children
    oatmeal: down my pants
    French fries: salty
    hair: coming out of a nose
    phonograph records: requiring a diamond the size of a needle
    cell phone: free on evenings and weekends
    couch: on a redneck’s porch
    bagel: with my wiener in it
    cat: 100 pounds
    jelly beans: stuck to the bottom of my bag
    computer: every year it gets faster and cheaper
    rosin bag: just sits there
    steak: very rare (Sorry, Rodney)
    lunch: alone, head down, and weeping.
    poker chip: in a casino
    newspaper: folded in half
    Jesus Christ: Norwegian-looking

    next: your mom

    Comment by Jute Lincoln — September 20, 2007 @ 6:22 pm

  20. Well said. I would be happy to read anything else you might contribute on this subject.

    Comment by Phillip Avery — December 23, 2007 @ 9:13 pm

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