May 23, 2008

Tips to saving gas

Filed under: humor, News, politics — Tags: , , , , , , — skeptisys @ 9:56 am

Hummer american flag patriot parking spaces

Those pinheads in the Unit’d States Government are at it again.  Word is they are trying to bring back the 55 mile per hour speed limit.  Supposed to save gas and lives, they say.  Hell, I don’t even look at the speedometer in my Hummer until I reach 80 MPH!  Well that, or if some Honda driving peacenick is driving at the speed limit. That damn ‘car’ doesn’t even hold more than 1 gallon of gas, I bet.

First off, these idiots don’t realize that if you lower the speed limit, you actually increase the amount of gas used.  How?  Well, easy – lower speed means less dead.  Fewer fatalities means more drivers, using more gas!  Duh!  Dead people can’t drive. You want to save gas, raise the speed limit and get rid of those weak drivers.

So I read the Dept of Energy ‘tips for driving more efficiently’, subtitled: ‘how to drive like a pussy tampon-boy’.  You gotta read this crap.

gas mileage usually decreases rapidly at speeds above 60 mph”  Oh yeah?  Is that what your slide rule tells you, Mr. four-eyes Trotsky?  Well good.  Thousands of proud American troops gave their patriotic lives, just so gas prices would rise – and you can’t even press on a petal to do your share for Exxon and Shell?  Trillions of proud loyal American dollars were spent, along with all our good-will around the world, and you won’t do your share?  Just sick.

Remove Excess Weight“: Ha.  I bought my Hummer so I can carry all my stuff with me: guns, playstation, 3 or 4 kids (Hailey, my wife, probably picked up another one at football camp), lawn chairs, weights, ladder, tools, 256 cans of soda.  Closest I will get to removing excess weight is when I leave my fat ass wife at home when I go fishing.  Ha.  Just kidding, Hailey – you know I love you when I don’t drink.

Avoid excess idling‘: I thought this thing was all about efficiency.  Well hell, it is more efficient to wait in line at the McDonald’s drive-thru and eat in the vehicle, then stopping, putting on our shoes and shirts, and going inside the darn restaurant. Am I right?

Aggressive driving (speeding, rapid acceleration and braking) wastes gas.”  And pussy-driving waste panties.  Get it, panty-waste?   Ha!  Sometimes I wish I could see through my back window, through my patriotic ‘God Bless the Troops’ stickers, just to see your face as I zoom past you.  Aggressive is who I am – don’t make me a thinker.

Why don’t you nerdy bookworm types just push for electric cars and enforcement on corporate fuel emissions standards, if you’re so smart?

hummer runs into school bus

Top photo is from Flickr:

Bottom photo is all over the internet, found at EBaum‘s world

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