One useful means to distract people from ‘the Great Depression 2.0’ is a good cops and robbers story. With that in mind, the big news this week in the New York sports world is Giants star Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg with a pistol. Here are the main alleged facts, as we know them.
Plaxico Burress is a Wide Receiver for the football Giants, as opposed to a wide receiver in prison. Oh zing! – a prison rape joke! Plaxico may have been a ‘tight end’ at some point, but no more.
Plaxico Burress was wearing sweatpants, when his gun slipped down the flimsy lining. Apparently, he has the same problem as we all do, namely: finding sweatpants with a good place to stash a gun. Personally, I have to put my weapon in my sock when I go jogging. Yes, we here at SkeptiSys are addressing the problem by developing a sweatpants holster.
After the gun slipped down his sweat pants, Plaxico Burress reached down and pulled the trigger, with the safety somehow disengaged. After this, Plaxico Burress did his John Wilkes Booth impersonation and hobbled off for undercover medical attention for his leg. The police later found him in a Manhattan barn.
Plaxico first contended he was in Applebee’s during the shooting, and the Police contend it was an upscale VIP dance club. This is easy to figure out. Everyone wears sweat pants to Applebee’s – even the waitresses. No way he was in a nightclub with sweatpants.
The current Mayor of New York, Napoleon Bloomberg, (who has recently received treatment for believing he is James Cagney) doesn’t think we need a trial to put Plaxico in the ‘slammer’ for at least 3.5 years. Yes, Sherrif Bloomberg, who plans to keep his job illegally, actually said Plaxico will go to the “slammer” – so I do not expect a fair trial. The pressure will be on Plaxico to accept a plea agreement, guilty or not. Shorty McBloomberg thinks the law should apply harshly to anyone, from poor Black people to Black sports stars. Financial laws and term limits? Not so much ‘slammer’ talk, it seems.
The Doctor who treated Plaxico’s gunshot wounds, and kept his information confidential was suspended and will probably be arrested.
As for the New York Giants football team and the rest of the NFL, the Police are prepared to give them a stern lecture (New York Times article, “Police again take issue with N.F.L. in shooting”). No word from Midge Bloomberg if this ‘issue taking’ will apply to everyone equally.
Predictably, Mayor McCheese Bloomberg does not think laws should be applied harshly, or at all, for Wall Street deregulation and crimes that caused the current financial crisis, as well as the laws that protect people’s rights.
Plaxico via leblogjames.
WestWorld Yul Brenner via Conan, (Buxom Sorceress).