April Fools is the 2nd most important holiday in America. The most important obviously is March 14, steak&BJ day, which the heretic waitress at Morton’s refuses to observe. I’m never going back to that place!! according to the court order. Anyhoo, April Fools…
Up to now, whenever I am asked ‘what is a good joke for April Fools’, my answer is always the same: ‘just pay the friggin toll and move on, you’re blocking traffic, a-hole!’ So now, I decided to come up with some of my own to get you through your dull miserable office day. Please feel free to use these, as long as you give me credit.
1. ‘Hey boss, I can’t come into the office today because I accidentally shoved a miniature Eiffel Tower into my ass and I can’t get it out. APRIL FOOLS! It’s really the Statue of Liberty.’
2. Bring a rifle to work and start firing while chanting random Bible passages, “Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none!” “Don’t covet your neighbors Shellfish!”. Then tell the police, ‘APRIL FOOLS! They are just blanks’. The cops will be laughing as they book you. The resulting stories will make you a hit in your prison ward.
3. ‘I am pregnant, it’s yours, and I will name him after you. APRIL FOOLS, Grandpa, I was on the Pill’.
4. ‘Wilson, I never received that report you claim you put on my desk, and if I don’t get it by next week, it will be reflected in your bonus.’ ‘APRIL FOOLS! you’re fired’.
5. Punch a small hole into a coffee cup, so that staining coffee will spill out when tilted (dribble cup). Then at a meeting, spill the coffee all over yourself and say ‘aha you guys, you got me. Good one.’ People will think you a good sport and others are dicks for making you walk around all day with stains on your pants. Now wait for your raise and promotion. Extra tip: when spilling coffee, also pee in pants for extra effect.
6. ‘Knock Knock. (who’s there?) April Fools. (April Fools Who?) April Fools your dumb CEO ass!’
7. ‘I love all my fellow co-workers and can’t ask for better people. APRIL FOOLS! I hate the Negros and Arabs.’ (warning, joke may be considered offensive in Northern United States after 1967. Only to be used in Midwest and the South U.S. and Australia)
8. Urinate in the coffee. I love this one. Then on April First, you don’t pee in the coffee. Haha! They will be surprised at how good the coffee tastes on this one day of the year.
9. Smear your body with feces. Then get some charcoal and write racist things all over your body, making sure to misspell everything. Call Al Sharpton and he will help with the rest.
10. Now is time to make those racist UCLA videos and tell people you don’t like to F-off (via Jacqueline Howett). If you do it on April 1st, you can always claim APRIL FOOLS! and you will be seen as a good sport and fun to be around.
That’s my 10 April Fools jokes. If you do them all, you are guaranteed to be loved and rewarded. APRIL FOOLS!