SkeptiSys

April 1, 2011

April Fools Tips

Filed under: Cool other, humor, Strange — Tags: , , , , , — skeptisys @ 1:19 pm

April Fools is the 2nd most important holiday in America.  The most important obviously is March 14, steak&BJ day, which the heretic waitress at Morton’s refuses to observe.  I’m never going back to that place!! according to the court order.  Anyhoo, April Fools…

Up to now, whenever I am asked ‘what is a good joke for April Fools’, my answer is always the same: ‘just pay the friggin toll and move on, you’re blocking traffic, a-hole!’   So now, I decided to come up with some of my own to get you through your dull miserable office day.   Please feel free to use these, as long as you give me credit.

1. ‘Hey boss, I can’t come into the office today because I accidentally shoved a miniature Eiffel Tower into my ass and I can’t get it out.   APRIL FOOLS!  It’s really the Statue of Liberty.’

2.  Bring a rifle to work and start firing while chanting random Bible passages, “Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none!”  “Don’t covet your neighbors Shellfish!”.  Then tell the police, ‘APRIL FOOLS!  They are just blanks’.  The cops will be laughing as they book you.  The resulting stories will make you a hit in your prison ward.

3. ‘I am pregnant, it’s yours, and I will name him after you.   APRIL FOOLS, Grandpa, I was on the Pill’.

4. ‘Wilson, I never received that report you claim you put on my desk, and if I don’t get it by next week, it will be reflected in your bonus.’   ‘APRIL FOOLS!  you’re fired’.

5. Punch a small hole into a coffee cup, so that staining coffee will spill out when tilted (dribble cup).  Then at a meeting, spill the coffee all over yourself and say ‘aha you guys, you got me.  Good one.’   People will think you a good sport and others are dicks for making you walk around all day with stains on your pants.  Now wait for your raise and promotion.  Extra tip: when spilling coffee, also pee in pants for extra effect.

6. ‘Knock Knock.  (who’s there?)  April Fools.  (April Fools Who?)  April Fools your dumb CEO ass!’

7. ‘I love all my fellow co-workers and can’t ask for better people.  APRIL FOOLS!  I hate the Negros and Arabs.’  (warning, joke may be considered offensive in Northern United States after 1967.  Only to be used in Midwest and the South U.S. and Australia)

8. Urinate in the coffee.  I love this one.  Then on April First, you don’t pee in the coffee.  Haha!  They will be surprised at how good the coffee tastes on this one day of the year.

9. Smear your body with feces.  Then get some charcoal and write racist things all over your body, making sure to misspell everything.  Call Al Sharpton and he will help with the rest.

10. Now is time to make those racist UCLA videos and tell people you don’t like to F-off (via Jacqueline Howett).  If you do it on April 1st, you can always claim APRIL FOOLS! and you will be seen as a good sport and fun to be around.

That’s my 10 April Fools jokes.  If you do them all, you are guaranteed to be loved and rewarded.  APRIL FOOLS!

Pics from LOLPranks and techcrunch.

January 30, 2008

Protestation Elation

Filed under: humor, pictures and videos — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — skeptisys @ 3:05 pm

If you are like me, the most convincing argument is a humorous protest sign. Like all of us, the only reason I don’t hate homosexuality and homosexuals is the anti-gay groups have unfunny protest signs. Oh sure, love between consenting adults is something to be cherished, but who wouldn’t be drawn to hatred by a well composed sign. Just look at some of the signs put out by these hate groups.

protest.jpg

Apparently, God also hates long words. These aren’t funny at all. Well, the last one seems to say that anal sex equals a pirate – that is a little funny, I guess. The guy holding that sign has a purse, er um – fanny pack, so he is just trying to balance the scales a bit. Anyway, these clashing colors won’t convince me.

On the other end of the argument, you have this guy:

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Now there is a convincing argument. Puppets and a cool cap do it for me every time. Without a doubt, I am now 100% for homosexuality, and I didn’t waste too much time learning details about the discussion.

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Some people can’t afford cardboard, so they use their skin.

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This argument always convinces me. For example, some people dislike PETA because they destroy valuable life saving research, or engage in other horribly destructive behavior. Not me. Not after I saw this:

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Naked women? No time to worry about human suffering, I have made up my mind. Total time elapsed: 12.4 seconds.

Many people ask me about my stance on the war in Iraq. They want to know if I am concerned that hundreds of thousands of people, including children, have been brutally killed by our overpriced military. Am I concerned that Americans are suffering because of the trillions of dollars in tax dollar gifts awarded to military companies with no oversight? Let’s look at some signs and find out what I believe.

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Um, the Romans? Oh wait, I know this: Jesus would bomb fags? This is getting complicated.

I couldn’t find too many pro-war signs. Most likely it is because they have more war than they even expected. Then again, Christians have all the power in the United States, and nobody protests more than they do. Here is the best pro-war sign I could find:

war_has_never_solved_anything_1.jpg

War brings peace? Counter arguments, please. (opens up to the pic. The sign contains a word that some people consider a naughty word)

1-protest1.jpg1-protest1.jpg I got that wrong on the SATs. I chose: bombing is to peace as a taco is to my colon. I like her shades, so I am leaning against this war.

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Amen!

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Enough! Now I see that this war is wrong! Now that I have seen the cute doggie, unprovoked deathly attacks are unacceptable.

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September 13, 2007

Heaven, Not for Everyone

Filed under: humor, pictures and videos, Uncategorized — Tags: , , — skeptisys @ 8:41 pm

B.J. Novak does some stand-up.

August 21, 2007

Comedy

Filed under: humor — Tags: , , , , , , — skeptisys @ 3:38 pm

In addition to the fine comments left here on the site, some people have been kind enough to use the telephone to provide feedback. Somehow it just doesn’t seem right to use an antiquated instrument like a telephone to respond to a newfangled webpage, almost like using a live chicken to pay for your Nintendo Wii. One comment I have heard is that I am not making them laugh enough, like in ‘real life’. “We only hang out with you because your pants may fall down at any moment, or you may suggestively ask the deli guy for some tongue” I imagine them saying. So for those telephone commentators, here is a post devoted to a small number of those comedians I adore.

Everybody has different tastes in comedy, other wise how do you explain Mencia and Tim Allen? Let’s run through some of the comedians that I have been listening to recently. Warning, do not see, read, or hear these comedians if you get offended by anything at all ever.

Doug Stanhope: This quintessential libertarian comic has been described as the most enthusiastic nihilist. He is also offensive to most and as funny as Dick Cheney shooting his friends in the face. He is direct and honest in a way that makes it seem like all this bland TV and Movies were just a set-up to his act. I accidentally stumbled across this guy on Showtime, and I am now addicted.

Some quotes:

“If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”

“You never hear in the news, “200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North.”

“If size doesn’t matter, how come my girlfriend’s vibrator isn’t three inches and crooked?”

Emo Phillips: A personal favorite of mine, Emo is the expert of comedic timing of a short joke.

Quotes:

“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, “If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.”

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…”

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’

Bobcat Goldthwait: Underrated because of his work in the Police Academy movies.

Quotes:

“America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.”

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”

“I lost my job. No, I didn’t really lose my job. I know where my job is. It’s just, when I go there, there’s this new guy doing it.”

Mitch Hedberg: Unfortunately died young, because he had great talent. Like the rest of these people, his delivery enhances the comedy.

Quotes, and there are many:

“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

“This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.”

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, “Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: “Dufrenes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.”

There are many more, but that’s enough for now. On a more interactive nature, I saw a blog that started an ‘I like my men/women like I like my (noun) thread. How it works is the first post creates a joke based on that joke style and also adds a new noun, and it is up to the next poster to create a new joke using the new noun, and then create a noun for the next person, and so on. So for example, and to start:

I like my women like I like my coffee, – mail ordered from Ethiopia. Next word, vitamins.

So the next post: I like my men like I like my vitamins, – shaped like Dino. Next word, Oatmeal.

Got it? Alright. Go with Oatmeal, next poster.

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